


Steps

by wonwoozi



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, Cheating, Confessional, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Violence, Returning Home, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-02-23
Packaged: 2018-05-22 19:41:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6091909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonwoozi/pseuds/wonwoozi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Are you happy? With him?” Jaebum hears the words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop himself. Jinyoung sighs as he looks out at the beach, a melancholic smile on his face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Steps

**Author's Note:**

> _"Pull me towards your corner, holding your court_  
>  _Sure I've seen you better, surely we've both been worse_  
>  _Promises you earned like the ink on your back_  
>  _Steps to see it first tell me how do I make it last"_  
>  \- Handsome Ghost, [Steps](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBGanDJdD0g)

“Are you happy? With him?” Jaebum hears the words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop himself. The sea washes back and forth in waves, crashing against the beach in front of them. They’d always enjoyed going to the beach together, Jaebum and Jinyoung, they’d gone together since they were kids. At first Jaebum had just used it as a way to distract Jinyoung, who was a family friend and was younger and therefore inferior, but it grew to become a place special to them and their friendship. They hadn’t visited it together in almost 15 months. It was weird.

Jinyoung sighs as he looks out at the beach, a melancholic smile on his face.

“I don’t know. I’m not sad with him.” He answers, the conflict so painfully obvious in his voice that Jaebum just wants to pull it out of him, but instead he just stands still, letting the salty air occupy his senses. There’s a faint smell of donuts nearby and it all seems so nostalgic, but they aren’t kids anymore, and nothing is really the same.

It hurts, the choking sensation in Jaebum’s throat, and he fights it with every inch of his being because it’s not his place and it will never be his place to say anything.

“I just want you to be happy. If Mark does that for you, great, but if he doesn’t…” Jaebum trails off, leaving the implication wide open.

Jinyoung gulps and nods, a bitter laugh bubbling up in his throat.

“It’s so stupid, y’know? The idea that I’d find somebody in this small shit hole of a town, somebody perfect for me, that kind of thing just doesn’t happen. I let the movies and novels get to me, I let them warp my view of love.” He confesses and Jaebum sees the sadness in his eyes. It hurts, it really does, but it’s  _ not his place. _

“And I love Mark, I do, but he’s not  _ the one _ by any means. And I don’t know if I _am_ happy with him. Sometimes I just feel like I started dating him because I had no reason not to.” He continues, refusing to make eye contact as he looks out at the shore.

“He’s popular, he’s good looking, he’s amazing at maths and he’s on the basketball team. He’s going places, y’know? All the girls love him and all the guys want to be him. What’s not to love…”

 

Jaebum doesn’t miss the way Jinyoung’s head dips, his shoulders sagging, body weight relying on the arms pressed to the metal railing in front.

“Just because you think someone’s perfect doesn’t mean they’re perfect for you.” Jaebum reminds him. The sky is dark, pitch black even, and there are a few stars out but in all honesty it’s hard to see them through the night clouds. There are still a few people around, closing up shops, making their journeys home, and Jaebum suddenly doesn’t remember why he ever left this place.

Jinyoung nods.

“Sometimes I see the way he looks at Jackson and I wish he’d look at me like that. I know he cares about me and does everything he can to make me happy, but I’m not the one who makes his eyes light up like that. No matter how hard I try I can never be enough. Fuck..” Jinyoung curses, rubbing at his eyes before tears can spill over. It hurts so  _ so  _ much to see Jinyoung like this and Jaebum’s filled with guilt for ever letting him go.

“I’m sorry.” He apologises. He knows the words aren’t enough but they’re honest and sincere and he just needs Jinyoung to know that.

Jinyoung looks up at him and stares deep into his eyes (soul?) for the first time since they started this conversation, for the first time since Jaebum got back, really.

“Why?”

“Because I was wrong and I hurt you.”

“No, I know why you’re sorry, why did you leave?”

 

Jaebum isn’t sure he can answer that as easily. It’s times like this when the summer evening heat gets a bit overwhelming and the smell of a burning mosquito coil hits a bit too close to home. Everything is too familiar yet it feels so alien, so different than before.

“I needed to get out.” He answers and it’s the best he can come up with. He was done with this small town. He was done with the constant seagull cries and the judgemental locals and the homophobic priests his parents would make him confess his sins to and the obnoxious teachers who relentlessly criticised him. 

He’d gone abroad for a while, travelled with a few friends he’d met online. He’d made lots more friends since but at some point it all just got a bit boring. He was tired of not knowing where his next bed would be, got sick of all the meaningless one night stands with beautiful strangers, and for the first time in awhile he just needed home.

Jinyoung shook his head and looked down at his feet, trying desperately to hold back more tears.

“You didn’t need to leave me behind, Jaebum.”

 

And it breaks Jaebum’s heart. He never even imagined Jinyoung would see it that way, that he would see it as a betrayal, abandonment. They’d gotten into an argument the night Jaebum left (maybe that was partially why he did leave). It had been a relatively stupid and petty argument, mostly on his part, but at the time it seemed important, important enough for Jaebum to pin Jinyoung to a wall and punch him in the face just to get him to shut up. He’d never been good at controlling his anger. 

But it’s hard to know how to deal with what goes on in your head and in your gut when you’re constantly confused, when your parents are telling you you’re wrong and everything you stand for is wrong and your teachers are saying you’re wasting your time. Fuck, man, that kind of stuff builds up in a person. It taints their insides and turns them into an ugly, foul thing. And they take that out on others, even those that they love.

“I didn’t know you’d see it like that.” Jaebum admits in a low voice, hardly above a whisper. Jinyoung laughs but it’s not a happy laugh, nor a humourous one. It’s filled to the brim with venom and it stings a little, as though Jinyoung’s just ripped a bandaid off his beating heart.

“How could I not? You kissed me, Jaebum. No, in fact, you did more than that. You stole me. You were my best friend, my best fucking friend, the only person I had at the time. You were everything. And you kissed me and it was confusing and I called you out on your shit. You couldn’t deal with it so you just ran away and left me behind like I was nothing to you. Do you know how much that hurt?”

 

With every word that Jinyoung hisses, Jaebum can feel himself sinking lower and lower. 

The worst part is- Jinyoung’s right. There’s nothing to dispute because he's absolutely fucking right and it was so shitty but it’s also too late.

“It took so long to repair the damage you did. I pulled myself out of it, I got over you, I made new friends, I started dating the coolest guy in the entire fucking school and you had the audacity to come back here, undoing all my hard work.” 

Jinyoung’s pouring his heart out, Jaebum can tell, and it’s so obvious that he’s been keeping this bottled up for too long. 

“And now you say you want me to be happy? Fuck you Jaebum. Take your faux concern and shove it up your ass.” He spits before spinning around and storming off up the boardwalk, his flip flops hitting the ground hard with every step further he takes. Jaebum doesn’t even realise he’s crying until an old lady passing by asks him if he’s okay.

 

Jaebum knows it’s not really okay of him but he doesn’t know what else to do. He tiptoes silently down the cobble path to Jinyoung’s house, rubbing it arms self consciously. It’s 2am and it’s summer and the insect screens are out, the sound of cicadas singing loudly fills the air and it’s giving Jaebum a headache. He kind of wants to break down but he’s done his crying and he just needs to be with someone. 

Jinyoung’s family still haven’t moved their spare key from under the plant pot to left of their house so he takes the liberty of letting himself in, so as not to disturb anybody. When he makes it to Jinyoung’s room, he just stands outside it in silence, staring at the daunting white door in front of him. There’s pen marks on it from when they were kids and would rush around the house, coloured markers sticking out their hands as they waggled them around. Jaebum distinctly remembers Jinyoung’s sisters telling on them and the chaos that ensued. It was messy. He feels a smile push at the corner of his lips but it falls almost as quickly as it comes.

He slowly pushes Jinyoung’s door open and sticks his head in. He knows this is borderline creepy but it isn’t the first time he’s done it and Jinyoung didn't seem to mind last time. But things are different now and he knows there are boundaries.

 

Jinyoung’s room looks different. The far left wall used to be a rich shade of dark blue, star shaped glow-in-the-dark stickers littering it from head to toe. Now it’s a stark white and there’s a shelf up, displaying proud trophies and stacks of books, mostly romance novels no doubt. Jaebum glances at the side of the doorframe where he and Jinyoung used to measure their heights. He can still make out the lines and numbers through the thick black ink that’s scribbled over it, the words ‘FUCK YOU’ sitting neatly right at the top. 

He swallows and suddenly the guilt is back and it hits him tenfold. Jinyoung is in bed, under the covers, his back to the door and Jaebum thinks he looks so small he could almost vanish. He moves silently over to sit on the side of the mattress, just perching on the edge. He shouldn’t be here, he should get out now before anyone finds him, but he just feels so in the wrong and so guilt ridden he’s not even sure what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. 

“If you’re gonna get in, just get in.” He hears Jinyoung say and it catches him off guard. Once his alarm bells stop ringing and he takes in the offer, he wordlessly slides into Jinyoung’s bed and throws an arm over his waist.

 

“I know you don’t believe me but I really am sorry.” He whispers into the back of Jinyoung’s neck, the younger’s hair tickling his nose. Jinyoung sighs and Jaebum feels it ripple through his body.

“I know you are. That doesn’t make it okay.”

Jaebum squeezes his eyes shut, fingers gently tracing the soft material of Jinyoung’s wifebeater. 

“What can I do to make it okay? I mean, can I even do anything?” He asks as he inhales Jinyoung’s scent. He still smells like lavender, which is unsurprising since his mother has always kept her garden filled with it, claiming it to be the most beautiful coastal flower. It smells welcoming and it smells like home and Jaebum can’t remember the last time he even smelled lavender. Before he’s really sure what’s going on, Jinyoung rolls over so they’re facing each other, eyes meeting eyes.

“Jaebum, I…” Jinyoung starts but his voice doesn’t follow through, though Jaebum does notice his eyes flicker down. Their faces are about 3 inches apart and Jaebum can feel Jinyoung’s warm breath as it hits his cheek. Jaebum doesn’t even know what he’s doing in Jinyoung’s bed when he should be back in his, sleeping, but he does know that Jinyoung is slowly leaning closer and closer and he knows he shouldn't but he doesn’t want to lean away.

 

Their lips brush against each other, pressure hardly there as the soft skin of Jinyoung’s mouth makes contact with the chapped skin of Jaebum’s. Jinyoung pulls back a microscopic amount, enough to leave the tiniest gap between them, and they look at each other. And Jaebum sees Jinyoung’s eyes flood with so many different emotions he can’t decide on one and suddenly their lips are crashing together in a heated scramble, Jinyoung’s warm hands on his cheeks, his arms around Jinyoung’s small waist. 

It's hard to notice anything else in the kiss besides the sheer desperation for each other and Jaebum thinks it roughly translates to  _ ‘fuck i fucking missed you so fucking much’ _ . Tongues slide messily against each other and lips move together in sync, and all Jaebum can think about is the amount of time he’s gone without seeing Jinyoung’s warm brown eyes and hearing his upbeat laughter and it hurts. And he puts that into the kiss, all the pent up want and desire, and he hears Jinyoung swallow a groan. 

His hands are roaming under Jinyoung’s shirt now as he peppers kisses along Jinyoung’s jaw, moving down his neck to his collar bones, leaving dark marks on the clear expanse. He mouths ‘I missed you so much’ into Jinyoung’s skin as he makes his way from his chest to his stomach to his abdomen. He can feel Jinyoung’s hands in his hair, gripping it carelessly. He wants to touch Jinyoung everywhere, to make him moan, to make him arch off the bed, sweaty and delirious and wailing Jaebum’s name over and over and over. But he doesn’t. He pulls back with his fingers on Jinyoung’s drawstrings, and looks down at the boy in front of him, whose cheeks are red and eyes are lidded. 

“What?” Jinyoung huffs, trying to catch his breath as Jaebum stares down at him.

“Mark.” Jaebum utters as he falls to the side, collapsing next to Jinyoung. They stare at the ceiling together in silence and Jaebum can still see the blue-tack up from where there used to be even more glow-in-the-dark-stars. Jaebum tries not to wince as Jinyoung rolls over and practically yells into his pillow, the frustrated noises muffled by the soft material. He turns back over and takes a deep breath in and out.

“I’m such a terrible person.” Is all he says and Jaebum’s face crumples at the words.

“No you’re not.”

“Yes I am, Jaebum. I’m dating somebody, somebody who is incredibly sweet and kind and considerate, and yet I can’t stop thinking about sucking  _ your _ dick and the feeling of  _ your _ hands in my hair. That is not what a good boyfriend does.”

Jaebum doesn’t reply straight away, which is understandable. 

“Can I tell you something?” He asks after debating it over and over in his head.

“Sure.” Jinyoung says in his small voice.

“The last time I went to Confession, do you know what I told the Priest?”

Jinyoung shakes his head.

“I told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about touching my best friend and kissing my best friend and fucking my best friend against my bedroom wall and that sometimes I'd think about it even when my parents made me go to Church. He made me recite practically a whole Rosary for my penance.”

Jinyoung just lies dumbfounded next to him, cheeks slowly turning a saturated pink.

“Fuck, is it really bad if I say that’s kinda hot?” He mutters after a slightly awkward moment between them, covering his face with his hands. Jaebum lets himself smile before turning over onto his side so he can admire Jinyoung properly.

“What are we doing?” He hears Jinyoung ask.

“I’m not sure.” He replies, just watching.

“I keep meaning to break up with Mark, I do, but I…” 

“You don’t want to be alone?” Jaebum guesses and Jinyoung gulps.

“Something like that.”

 

They end up pressed together in a cuddle, Jaebum nuzzling the back of Jinyoung’s neck. Thankfully, his hard on is gone, and it didn’t even require a cold shower.

“Jaebum please don’t ever leave me again.” Jinyoung mumbles and it’s so quiet Jaebum almost doesn’t catch it. The darkness envelopes them both and it feels safe to Jaebum, it feels like these words and promises spoken between them truly only belong to them.

“I swear that I will never leave you again, Park Jinyoung.” Jaebum promises and this time he’s going to keep it. He doesn’t want to hurt Jinyoung more than he already has.

“I think I’ll talk to Mark about breaking up tomorrow. It’s been kind of coming a long time now.” Jinyoung says and it absolves Jaebum of a little guilt, but not much.

“You deserve more than what you got. I’m sorry.” Jaebum tells him as he maps out constellations on Jinyoung’s arm with his fingertips.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”

“Isn’t that from The Perks of Being a Wallflower?”

“Shut up Jaebum.”

“Good night, Jinyoung.”

  
  


 

Jaebum waits until Jinyoung's definitely asleep before saying his promise aloud.

"I love you and I swear I'll never leave you again."

**Author's Note:**

> hmmm ahhhh ok so i have an exam in like an hour and im running late and i didnt beta this but i wrote it a lik e 5am so its probs shit anyway! im working on so many different fics atm but none of them are writing themselves ;; so heres a filler fic for the meantime!! thank u sm to all readers, commenters and kudos!!! <3 ily


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